Amusing Stories

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".


A Felching Session

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil." Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the severe burns unit of Salt Lake City hospital.

Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kikki Rodriguez, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slippedFaggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kikki shouted"Armageddon," my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube igniting Mr. Bustone's moustache and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later told reporters: "It's Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some queers tradesman's entrance."
What Not To Name Your Dog

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mineSex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said,"But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.
The Invention of Sex...

Sex was invented by Thomas Alva Edison on July 16, 1876.

At the time, Edison had been working to develop "entertainment devices" for the masses-and during the previous months he had invented the whoopee-cushion, the hand-buzzer, Play-Doh, fake-nose eyeglasses,the first cordless vibrator (a massive steam-powered unit that covered six and a half square city blocks and required 235 men to operate), and the one device he considered to be his greatest gift to mankind at the time: the ball-point pen that turned over to reveal a naked woman.

Upon being introduced to sex, the country was thrown into a turmoil - and in order to maintain order, the government seized all ofTom's patents and drawings, and locked them away in the federal archives until the year 2186. (The only exception to this were his plans for the steam-powered vibrator, which were released in 1964 and used as the basic design for the nuclear submarine USS Trident.)

Devastated at the havoc he'd created, Edison redoubled his efforts to provide entertainment for the masses and quickly invented movies, the mimeograph, and the phonograph.

In fact, his greatest invention of all, the light bulb, was created as a means of deterring sex. Because as Tom himself put it, "Who inGod's name would ever want to do it with the lights on?"
Zorba The...

Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the traditional touristy way but to hire a guide from one of the small villages. After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride showing them the sights of Greece. After a while, they past a grove of fig trees.

After the tourists commented on the beauty of the trees, the guide says, "See all those trees? I planted every one of those trees. I nurtured every one of those trees. But do they call me Zorba the tree-planter? No."

The couple looked a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet. After about 15 minutes, they past a nice village on the bank of the river. The tourists comment on the beauty of the village.

Again, the guide goes off. "See all those houses? I built every one of those houses. With these two hands alone, I built those houses. But do they call me Zorba the house-builder? NO."

The couple again looked confused and worried about the guide's outrage. They didn't want to annoy him again. After about 30 minutes,they pass a small fleet of fishing boats. The husband comments on the boats.

"You see all those boats? I built those boats. With these two hands, I built every boat and not a one has sunk. But do they call meZorba the boat-builder? NO!!"

The tourists stay quiet until they see something which the guide could not have built. "Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife.

The guide looks at them and says, "Oh, but you fuck one donkey..."
An American In Jamaica...

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning inJamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.

The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says Welcome To Jamaica Have aNice Day".
Jack or Barb

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."
Milk of a Nursing Mother

There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who recently had given birth who was willing to help him out -- for a price. The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice,she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her. "Yeah,"he said finally. "Can I have a cookie with my milk?"
Tattoo Art...

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get upon the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says.'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'
Czech Dissident
Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and aCzech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, theRussian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slap shim one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier,he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get slapped."

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping aRussian soldier."
Adjustable Face Lift
This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"